I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
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Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Hard not to take this personally
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”