as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
anyone else like Italian cereal
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.