I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
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My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I think we should hear other voices.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
i want to work in this restaurant
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!