Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
You Might Also Like
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I get distracted pretty eas
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
new wife guy just dropped
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.