Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
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First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
🔦🌙👣
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.