9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
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House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.