When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
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my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
These aliens are taking forever.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice