My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
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[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Do one person every day that scares you.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Rt to bother an English speaker