The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
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Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.