A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
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Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day