Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
You Might Also Like
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
ready to be harvested
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”