Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
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[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.