*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
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Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.