“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
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snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
My life in a nutshell
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic