Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
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Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
The 4 stages of a family vacation
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.