I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
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if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Note to self: always read the final line
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
No way!
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it