*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
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Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece