You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
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[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”