two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
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Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.