“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
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X-tra spooky blend
Nothing to do, you say?
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
twitter users today:
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
How do you like your Corgi?
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
#CoronaOutbreak
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?