Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
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The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy