There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
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I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”