Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
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If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
my first dose meeting my second
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
just make the entire table out of coaster
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?