6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
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Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.