I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
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If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Proctology is located in A55
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’