They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
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You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted