Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
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Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.