My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
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A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
whatcha thinkin bout
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”