My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
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Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
m’lady
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Never forget.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?