Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
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Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity