HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
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Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no