I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
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Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Noah was an idiot.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
welp
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5