*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
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[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!