just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
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Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles