that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
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When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
want me to check your oil?
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”