Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
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I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
March 16
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live