It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
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I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.