A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
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[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!