[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
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Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Autocorrect is my menesis
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.