Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
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Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Um … Hot Wings please
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I have never related to a cat more
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.