‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
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FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers