When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
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Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
BRAKING NEWS!!
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
WTF IS THAT!
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Is your wife single?
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off