Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
You Might Also Like
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Somebody’s lying.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.