Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
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“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
This anagram machine is out of order.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books