I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
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In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.