what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
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ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
my first dose meeting my second
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”