Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
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Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters