Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
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Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.