snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
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The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
At least try to make it slightly believable
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*