Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
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NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*